Of Onion Rings and Spatulas

By SaphireCatElf

Nosedive sat in his bed, bored. It was off-season, so naturally he had NOTHING to do. He had already read all his comics, set Duke's hair on fire, turned Mallory's hair green, practically blown up Tanya's lab and shattered Grin's meditation crystals.

"I am so BORED! B-O-R-D Bored!" he exclaimed to himself, flipping over on his bed.

"Hey nitwit, you spelled 'bored' wrong. It's B-O-R-E-D, not B-O-R-D." Mallory said to him, giving him a death glare for turning her hair green.

"Finally get the hair dye out?" he asked with a silent grin.

"NO! This stupid stuff just won't come out! AUUUGH!" She ran away; probably to the kitchen.

Nosedive jumped off his bed. "Well, there's nothin' left to do here, so I might as well hit the mall!" He grabbed his wallet off his messy dresser and headed out. "I should really consider cleaning this place up within the next year... Nah!" He headed down to the hanger and grabbed one of the Duckcycles, about to head off when Tanya stopped him, jumping in the way like only a idiot trying to get themselves killed would do.

"WHAT!" he said, exasperated.

"You promised me you'd help separate the H2 chemicals that did blah blah blah blah..." Maybe that's not exactly what she said, but it's hard to be sure when you've fallen asleep.


He jumped. "I didn't do it!" he denied.

"You're right, not yet you haven't. C'mon, Dive." She grabbed him and dragged him all the way to her lab. "This time DON'T combine the nitrogen with my lamp oil and then light, OK?" she said. He nodded. "Ok, grab that spatula over there." He grabbed it and handed it to her. "Ok, now the onion rings." He nodded again and handed them over.

"What a sec. What do you need onion rings for?" he asked.

"I'm hungry! Scientists can't work on empty stomachs, ya know." she said, munching on one.

"Oh. Well, can I have one?" he asked.

She shook her head. "The rest are for the experiment." She grabbed a vial that had some purple stuff in it. Then, dumping half the vial into a small mixing bowl, she added three onion rings, some green stuff, then blue, then red. Then she added some salt.

"What are you doing Tawny, making the world's most unappetizing appetizer?" he asked.

"Duh, nope." She grabbed a bottle marked "Do Not Touch OR ELSE" and dumped it in. "I'm making a meal-in-one. Since we're always so busy fighting Dragaunus, we don't really have a lot of time to cook. So I'm experimenting with different things to make it easier. Try this." She handed him a vial; it was half full with some black stuff in it.

"Yuck! No way Tawny!" he said, crossing his arms.

"But I can't! Wing made me promise not to test my stuff on myself, and Mallory and Duke are dumb enough to listen to me." She gave him a puppy dog look and he gasped.

"That's my look!" he cried in desperate desperation.

"Please Dive! I'll buy you a video game for your PS2!" she bribed.

He sighed and gave in. "Fine. But if I die, I blame you!"

She clapped and handed it to him again. He frowned, pulled off the cork and glugged it down.

"Well?" she asked with anticipation.

"Tastes kinda like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Cool."

Tanya jumped. "Yes! Success!"

Nosedive started fidgeting.

"What's wrong?" Tanya asked. She stopped jumping.

"I feel funny... like after I drink three cappuccinos..." he said quietly.

"Uh oh." Tanya said, grabbing the spatula. "I was afraid this might happen. Dive, hold VERY still..."

He tried - honestly he did - but he kinda forgot and zoomed out the door.

"Uh oh..."


"Nosedive!" Tanya called. She'd been looking for him for at least half-an-hour and still couldn't find him. "Wing's gonna kill me..."

"Why's 'e gonna kill 'ya kid?" Duke asked, making Tanya jump.

"Don't do that! I kinda got him..." She was quiet.

"Got 'im what?" he asked, leaning against the wall.

"In a sugar-rush kinda phase. 'Ya know, like when he has one too many cappuccinos in the morning?"

Duke nodded. "Ok, so what happened?"

She fidgeted with her fingers. "Well... I guess I start over from scratch. AFTER I find Dive."

Duke's beak dropped. "I don't think that's gonna be necessary, sweetheart." Duke stared.

"'Da, why not Duke?"

He pointed behind her and Tanya spun around. To see Nosedive, wearing... a ... wearing a... A DRESS?

Yes folks, he'd lost it.

"Oh boy..."

Just then Mallory came walking by. "Hey guys, have you seen my new dress? The one that's purple and red and has.... FLASHBLADE!" she screamed at him.

He took off. She took off after him. Tanya and Duke took off after both of them. Wildwing and Grin were...


Wildwing moved his pawn in front of his king.

Grin moved his queen one space to the left. "Check."

Wildwing sighed. "I hate this game."


(If you were wondering what the four "WHOOSHES" were, it was Mallory, Tanya and Duke, chasing Nosedive at speeds of up to eighty miles per hour. )

Wildwing sighed. "Things are getting back to normal I see. Whatever 'Normal' is, anyways."

Tanya grabbed Duke by the arm. "We're not getting anywhere here. We gotta re-think this whole thing through."

So there they were, thinking, when suddenly...

"Boobies! Babes! Have you seen Wing around?"

"NO PHIL. We're a little busy right now," Duke answered.

"Doing what?"

Duke rolled his eyes. "Oh I don' know, maybe chasing Nosedive 'cause he's wearing a DRESS!" Duke yelled.

So there they were, standing in the hall when Nosedive and Mallory came back around for seconds.




(The WHOOOSH was Nosedive and Mallory flying by. The KATHUNK was them picking up Tanya and Duke and making them fly which -- even though they're ducks -- they can't do. The KABAMB was them hitting the wall, as the corridor had ended.)

Phil was speechless for a moment. "I got a brilliant idea! I gotta go find Wing!"

He ran away to who-knows where, while Tanya and Duke's problem still persisted. Until, that is, the drink started to stop working, which of course made Nosedive stop, which of course made Mallory fly into him roughly about a hundred miles per hour.



(The CRASH was Mallory hitting Nosedive, The RIIIIIIIIP was - dun dun dun! - Mallory's dress ripping.)





Just then, Wildwing and Grin decided to make an entrance. "Hey guys, what’s up?"

The End
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