Announcer: Tonight on FOX, it’s an ultra reality Saturday with Paris and Nicole in the "Simple Life – Who Wants to be an Amsterdam Hooker". But first, we hit the streets to fight crime with the Mighty Ducks in "Anaheim 911". FOX… NOW!
(Text fades on screen that reads: "The following show contains graphic images of ducks fighting crime. Viewer Discretion is advised.")
(Fade in on The Pond. Text on the screen reads 'Morning Briefing: 8 AM'; cut to the main area of the Ducks underground lair complex.)
Canard: Ok everyone, as you know with the recent budget cuts, the Anaheim Sheriff's office is in dire need of help. So they contacted us for assistance. Our job today will be to patrol the streets of the city, fighting crime.
(Mallory raises her hand)
Canard: Yes, Mallory.
Mallory: Yeah. What’s with the camera crews?
Canard: Oh yes, well, it seems one of those reality shows was shooting in the Anaheim Sherrif's office when their problem arose, so they're kind of part of the deal we worked out.
Wildwing: But isn’t it a bad idea to be shooting any type of show in our TOP SECRET lair?
Canard: Don’t worry. The producers of the show assured me anything we deem too sensitive to show will be blurred out. All we have to say is the line “Blur it.”
Nosedive: When you say 'anything', you really mean 'anything'?
Canard: Yes, ANYTHING!
Nosedive: Cool! Uh...blur Tanya.
(Tanya’s face get blurred)
Tanya: What the hell? The room just went all squiggly!
Nosedive: Sweet!
(Nosedive starts pointing at random things)
Nosedive: Blur the copy machine...now blur the jet...now blur Duke’s coffee!
(The copy machine, the jet, and coffee, all get blurred. Duke takes a sip of his now blurred coffee and spits it out.)
Duke: Oh god, this stuff tastes like raw sewage now!
Nosedive: This is awesome! Hey, now blur my face!
(Nosedive’s face gets blurred.)
Nosedive: Excellent! I’m gonna go rob a bank.
(Nosedive heads towards the exit)
Canard: Nosedive, get back here. (points to the camera) And you unblurr everything.
(Nosedive walks back to the table. Everyone and everything that was blurred goes back to normal. Duke takes another sip of his now unblurred coffee.)
Duke: Ahhhhh, now that’s the stuff.
Canard: People, back on track here. What we’re going to do today is split up and patrol the city. The Sheriff's department furnished us with three cars, so figure out how were going to do this.
(Nosedive raises his hand)
Canard (sarcastically): Yes, Nosedive, what is it?
Nosedive: Can I go play with the siren?
Canard: No.
Nosedive: Damn.
Canard: Ok, now here are the assignments for today. Mallory and Duke, you're in Car One. Wildwing and Nosedive, you’re in Car Two. As for Grin and myself- since Grin is so large, we’re going to drive around in the CSI van.
(Tanya raises her hand)
Tanya: What’s my job?
Canard: You’ll be here, working the radio.
Tanya: Excellent! That’s a good 10-40, buddy.
Canard: That’s 10-4.
Nosedive (looking at his watch): Actually it’s 8:07.
Canard: SHUT UP! The rest of you, get going NOW!
(Everyone heads to their cars; Tanya heads for the radio com station. Cut to a normal Anaheim neighborhood street twenty minutes later. Canard and Grin pull up in the CSI van. A man named Gil Grissom from the local morgue is waiting for them.)
Canard: What do we have?
Grissom: Typical cut-and-dry homicide. Oh, and Canard, the county hired a freelance team to help.
(Canard and Grim start to walk around)
Canard: Where?
(Canard takes another step. A voice is suddenly heard from down below)
Dale: HEY! WATCH IT BUB!
(Canard and Grin look down)
Grin: Our universe has suddenly gotten smaller.
Canard: Who are you?
Dale: Dale. I'm part of the freelance team. Over there is my partner, Chip.
(Chip pops up from behind the body currently covered with a tarp)
Chip: Also, our friends Gadget, Monterey Jack and Zipper. We're called 'Chip n' Dale's CSI Rangers'.
Canard: Wait, didn't you used to be called the 'Rescue Rangers'?
Dale: Well, you see, funny story about that...The freelance PI gig went south a few years ago. One day we were watching one of the eighty CSI programs on CBS, and figured we could do that. So, here we are.
Grin: You had a new sunrise after the darkness settled.
Chip: Exactly.
Dale: Well, now that you're here, you can start with the official investigation.
(Canard walks over to the body)
Canard: OK, let's see what do we have here...Looks like the victim is a male Caucasian, 6'4", 190lbs. As for any distinguishing marks- (lifts the sheet covering the body) OH SWEET LORD, WHERE'S HIS FACE!?
Dale: Oh yeah, that? Gunshot, close range. Blew the sucker's face clean off.
Gadget: Yeah, we found his nose over in the gutter.
Monterey Jack: We also found an ear up there on the window sill.
Grin: His face has now become one with the ear and all that is around it.
(Everyone turns and looks at Grin, rather confused)
Grin: What?
Dale: I say, from the blast, this guy took a .45 to the face.
Chip: No way! He took a sawed-off shot gun to the face.
Gadget: No, double barrel.
Monterey Jack: You gotta be kidding! It’s a definite semi-automatic.
Canard: How can you guys speak so casually about this?
Dale: Oh, after you've worked on a hundred cases like this, you get de-sensitized.
Chip: Say Canard, your mask is looking a little green.
Canard: Uh...yeah. I just didn’t expect this much gore at a crime scene.
Dale: Oh, well, like I said you’ll get desensitized after a while... By the way, would you like a bite of my meatloaf sandwich? Cooked extra rare! You can just see the cow blood dripping off it!
(Canard grabs his mask and darts behind some bushes; vomiting can be heard)
Grin: The nutrition provided to Canard by Mother Earth have now been returned to it's giver by Canard.
(Everyone looks at Grin confused)
Grin: What?
(Cut to Nosedive’s and Wildwing’s squad car. They are currently in the middle of a high speed car chase through the streets of Anaheim. Nosedive is driving while Wildwing is working the radio, trying to reach Tanya to relay the information)
Nosedive: This is so bitchin’! I get to play with the siren!
Wildwing: What have I told you? You can’t say 'bitchin’' on TV!
Nosedive: They’ll bleep it out in the post!
Wildwing: SHUT UP ABOUT THE POST EDITING AND DRIVE!
(Wilding goes back to talking on the radio tying to reach Tanya)
Wildwing: Tanya, this is Wildwing in Squad Car 2! Do you read, over! We’re in pursuit of a vehicle going at a high speed, over!
Tanya (on the radio): This is Tanya at Pond HQ! What’s your location?
Wildwing: Currently heading south on I-5, near the Harbor Blvd. exit! Again, currently heading south on the Santa Ana Freeway near the Harbor Blvd. exit, OVER!
Tanya (confused): Wait, are you heading south on I-5 or the Santa Ana Freeway, over?
Wildwing (angry): I-5 IS the Santa Ana Freeway, OVER!
Nosedive (looking at Wildwing, annoyed): She needs to learn how to read a freaking map!
Wildwing: Hey, keep your eyes on the road and DRIVE!
Tanya: I got your position; need a vehicle description, over!
Wildwing: Ok, it’s a black 4-door, 1989 BMW. It has a Colorado plate that reads 1-K-U-
Nosedive: No wait, that’s a South Carolina plate.
Wildwing: South Carolina plate--what are you talking about? It has mountains on it; that’s Colorado.
Nosedive: Yeah, but it has a little palmetto tree in the middle of it! That’s South Carolina!
Wildwing: Alright! Tanya, correction...South Carolina plate--
Tanya: Who the hell would drive to Anaheim from South Carolina?
Wildwing: I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE! NOW HERE’S THE PLATE NUMBER.. 1-K-U-L-
Nosedive: Hey wait, it’s a vanity plate.
Wildwing: You're right, it is a vanity plate. Um, 1-K-U-L...Onecle? Uncle?
Nosedive: Uh...um...One Cool!
Wildwing (agreeing): Yeah, One Cool!
Tanya: Got that, One Cool!
Wildwing: Ok, last four...M-O-F-O? Moofooh?
Nosedive: Maffa? Maffle? WAFFLE! WAFFLE! WAFFLE!!!
Wildwing: WAFFLE? Where the hell do you see a damn W! Hey, wait, I got it... MO-FO!
Nosedive: One Cool Mofo!
Wildwing and Nosedive (on the radio to Tanya): ONE COOL MO-FO! ONE COOL MO-FO! ONE COOL MO-FO!
Tanya: ROGER THAT!
Wildwing: YES! We got it!
Nosedive (looking over at Wildwing): Alright, give me five!
Wildwing: Holy crap, watch out!!!!
Nosedive (looking back to the road): Huh? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(The squad car smashes into a lamppost at 100 miles an hour. Both air bags deploy as smoke fills the cabin. Wildwing and Nosedive start coughing. As the smoke clears, Wildwing grabs the radio)
Wildwing: Squad Car 2 to Pond HQ, we’re going to need a wrecker on I-5 south, near state road 57, over!
Tanya: Did the vehicle in pursuit wreck, over?
Wildwing: Um, a vehicle wrecked...but not that one, over.
Nosedive (woozy): Dude, I need some Tylenol.
Wildwing (annoyed): Oh, shut up. You know what, on second thought, blur him!
(Nosedive’s face gets blurred)
Nosedive: HEY!
(Cut to the Mall of Anaheim. Mallory and Duke pull up in the squad car and get out)
Duke: We’ve received reports of multiple indecent exposure incidents. The description says the person is 4’1”, wearing a blue shirt and a sailor hat.
Mallory: Hmm. It seems quiet around here.
(Just then a scream of a woman is heard. Mallory, Duke and the camera crew all race off towards the food court and encounter the law breaker.)
Mallory: Anaheim Sheriff's Department! put your hands up!
(The perpetrator puts his hands up)
Duke: Oh god, he’s not wearing pants...blur it!
(The perpetrator gets blurred from the waist down. Duke walks over to him.)
Duke: Sir, tell me your name and let me see some ID.
Donald: Donald Duck.
Duke: Did you just call me a jerk off?
Donald: No, I said my name was Donald Duck.
Mallory: Sir, do not call my partner a jerk off.
Donald: I didn’t call him a jerk off.I said my name is--
Duke: Ok mister, enough. Now where are your pants?
Donald: What pants?
Duke: Oh, I see. Don’t speak English, huh? (slowly) Where...are...your...pants...(normal speed) ¿Dónde es usted pantalones?
Donald: I don’t speak Spanish.
Mallory: HEY! YOU DON’T CALL MY MOTHER THAT!
(Mallory dives towards Donald Duck about to strangle him. Duke restrains her)
Duke: Mallory, no, don’t! Keep your cool, keep your cool.
Mallory: I swear he just said something about my mother!
Donald: I don’t even know your mother.
Mallory: I think he just did it again!
Duke: I don’t think he speaks English.
Donald: Hey, I speak English.
Duke: Sir, enough with the terrorist talk. Now you will show me some form of ID and you’ll put some damn pants on!
Donald: I don’t have any ID, I never worn pants and I refuse to be treated this way! All I’m doing is visiting the food court so I can get myself a Cinnabun.
Mallory: HE SAID HE’S GOT A GUN!
Duke: GET HIM!
(Both Duke and Mallory tackle Donald Duck; Duke pulls out his tazer and uses it on Donald)
Donald: OW! OW! OW!
Duke: Oh yeah, you're speaking English now, ain’t ya!?
(Cut to the city park in Anaheim. Nosedive and Wildwing pull up in their heavily dented squad car. They get out of the car; both have numerous band-aids on them. Nosedive still has his face blurred. They start to patrol the park.)
Nosedive: Oh...dang, my neck hurts.
Wildwing: Well, it wouldn’t have had you listened to me and kept your eyes on the damn road!
Nosedive: Geez, I said I was sorry! Now can you please do me a favor and get to them to unblurr my face? I’m getting a headache looking through this pixilation.
Wildwing: Oh yeah...Guys, unblurr him.
(Nosedive’s face is unblurred)
Nosedive: Ahh, that’s better. You know when you're behind the blur, it starts to get a little bit of a funky smell after a while.
Wildwing: Ok, that’s too much information, and I don’t think the smell was from the blur. Now do me a favor, behave yourself and just help me patrol the park for the next few hours until we can go back to HQ.
Nosedive: No problem.(stops short and looks) Hey look! I think that’s Mickey Mouse!
Wildwing: Hey, you're right! And look, he has Pluto with him! But wait...where’s that dog’s leash?
Nosedive: You're not serious, are you? This is Mickey Mouse and Pluto we’re talking about.
Wildwing: I don’t care who it is. Anaheim city law says all dogs must be on leash while on any type of public property. Didn’t you bother to read the law enforcement code manual this morning?
Nosedive: Yeah I glanced at it. I liked John 3:16 the best.
Wildwing: THAT’S THE BIBLE YOU WERE READING!
Nosedive: Hmm. That would explain why when I kept seeing the phrase “Thou shall be smitten”, I thought it meant we could use excess force.
Wildwing (looking skyward): Why do I always get stuck with the dumb partner? TELL ME THAT, GOD! WHY?!
(Nosedive and Wildwing proceed to walk over to Mickey Mouse and Pluto, who are playing fetch in the park)
Wildwing: Excuse me sir...Are you Mickey Mouse?
Mickey Mouse: Why yes, I am!
(Pluto runs up and jumps up on Nosedive)
Nosedive: Whoa fella, down now.
Mickey Mouse: Looks like Pluto found a new friend!
Wildwing: Yeah. About your dog...Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to him on a leash. Sorry, city law.
Mickey Mouse: Aw, shucks. Are you sure? He’s not bothering anyone.
(Pluto begins to sniff Nosedive’s crotch, and begins to groan in a happy tone)
Nosedive: Uh, sir...Mr. Mouse? Can you restrain him please?
Mickey Mouse: It’s ok. He’s just being friendly.
Nosedive: My crotch doesn’t need any new friends. Please get him off me.
Wildwing: Mr. Mouse, er...uh, Mickey, please get him off my partner and please put him on a leash or we’re going to have to fine you $25.
(Just then Pluto gets a whiff of something and begins to frantically hump Nosedive’s leg)
Nosedive: OH CHIRST! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING!?
Wildwing (disgusted): Ewwww! yeah um...blur that!
(The part of Pluto that is humping Nosedive’s leg gets blurred)
Nosedive: PLEASE SOMEONE! GET THIS HORNY DOG OFF ME!
Wildwing: Sir, please restrain your dog!
Mickey Mouse: I told you he’s just being friendly.
Nosedive: ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT!
(Nosedive takes out his puck blaster and beings to pistol-whip Pluto with the base of the gun)
Nosedive: GET OFF OF ME, YOU STUPID DOG!
Wildwing: MR. MOUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! RESTRAIN YOUR DOG!
Mickey Mouse: I don’t think he’s gonna listen to me in that mood.
Wildwing: Ok, I warned you!
(Wildwing tackles Mickey Mouse and cuffs him while Nosedive is still trying to pry Pluto off his leg)
Mickey Mouse: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Wildwing: DOG TRAINING!
(Nosedive finally gets Pluto off his leg and hears Wildwing’s last comment)
Nosedive: Dog training? Dude, WEAK!
Wildwing: Oh shut up, Mr. Dog Dry-Hump.
Nosedive: Hey, this never leaves the park.
Wildwing: Fine by me, but you might want to tell that to the camera crew who just videotaped the entire thing.
(Nosedive looks straight at the camera and the crew behind it, realizing they do have the whole horrid incident on tape)
Nosedive: OH MOTHERFU--
(Cut to Fourth Street and Main. Mallory and Duke are patrolling the street.)
Mallory: You know what I miss about Puckworld? The fact that when you're outside, there's no smog.
Duke: Yeah, but on Puckworld we didn’t have gas burning engines in our cars. There's also the fact our vehicles could fly.
Mallory: But I bet here on Earth they could make the switch to flying cars and clean, no gas-burning engines.
Duke: Puckworld was five hundred years ahead of Earth in technology. They haven’t even conquered interstellar travel yet.
Mallory: The Men in Black have.
Duke: 'Men in Black' was a movie.
Mallory: I thought it was a comic book.
Duke: I think it was a comic based on a movie. Or a movie based on a comic. Or -- hell I don’t know! All I know is that Earth is still a good two hundred years away from being smog free and if you don’t like it, go live on Mars.
Mallory: I was all for living on Mars, but I was out-voted when we were all deciding on where to land the ship, remember?
(Cut to the Pond HQ at 5pm. Everyone has returned from their beats. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto have been locked up in the Pond brig)
Donald Duck: I told you before, just carry a leash in your pocket and look into neutering that dog.
Mickey Mouse: First off, I’m not neutering him, and second, I don’t have any pockets on these pants. So...tell me, what did they bring you in for?
Donald Duck: Indecent exposure. And the female officer over there keeps saying I’m insulting and slandering her mother.
(Mallory hears Donald Duck from across the room)
Mallory: HEY! THIS YOUR LAST WARNING ABOUT THAT!
Canard: Mallory, just calm down and ignore him.
(Phil walks into the room)
Duke: Phil, what’s the meaning of the visit?
Nosedive: If it has anything to do with fruit stands or the promotion of a fruit stand, we’re not doing that again!
Phil: No, no, no, nothing like that today. A visitor from Sacramento is here. It’s someone very important. I suggest you let him in; it'll be good for the Ducks' PR.
Canard: Ok, fine. Send him in.
(The doors open and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger walks into the room)
Governor Schwarzenegger: Jah, hello. I am Governor Schwarzenegger. I run this massive state like a well-oiled machine ever since we kicked that girly man Grey Davis out of office.
Tanya: Don’t you mean recalled?
Governor Schwarzenegger: That’s what you might call it. I call it a political smackdown that pumped up Sacramento!
Grin: The smackdown is the political force of life that purges the girly man from the center of the big sac.
(Everyone looks at Grin confused)
Grin: What?
Governor Schwarzenegger: Anyway, I am here today to bring you the following as a way of saying thank you from the state of Califloorni-- Califluee-- Cali-- Ca-- uh, the state you're currently standing in.
Canard: Well gee, thanks.
Governor Schwarzenegger: You're welcome. Now, here is your gift: we’re sending you all to Tijuana, Mexico, for a week! A bus is already waiting for you outside, so get going!
Nosedive: Why don’t we just take the jet?
(Governor Schwarzenegger leans over and looks right into Nosedive’s face angrily)
Governor Schwarzenegger: NO, BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Nosedive: Uh...Ok. That’s good enough for me. You heard the man, lets go!
(All the Mighty Ducks head towards the bus in the parking lot. Cut to Tijuana, Mexico, two days later. Everyone is relaxing on the beach)
Wildwing: Now this is the life. We all need to do this more often. (looks over at Tanya) Say Tanya, what’s with the puzzled face?
Tanya: I just have this strange feeling we forgot to do something before we left.
Nosedive: I closed the garage door.
Tanya: No, it’s not that.
Canard: I made sure the stove in the break room was off before we left.
Tanya: No, it’s not that either.
Mallory: Then what is it?
Tanya: I don’t know...Oh well, it'll come to me eventually.
(Cut to the Pond HQ. The lights are off and the doors are locked up tight. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto are still locked up in the Pond brig.)
Mickey Mouse: You know, I don’t think they’re coming back for while.
Donald Duck: I’ll give them another hour. If not,(looks at Pluto with an evil glare and shifts to a lower and more sinister tone) I’m eating the dog.