BEHIND THE PUCK

By Emily L'Orange and Jack Christopher

FAME

SUCCESS

GLORY

STARRING MATHEW BRODERICK

PASSION

HOCKEY

BEHIND THE PUCK: THE MIGHTY DUCKS

Narrator: Back in early 1989 one person had an idea in her head, an idea to start a hockey team.

Emily: Yeah that was a historic day. So much was said and so much was accomplished.

(Cut to a hockey rink in early 1989, Emily walks up to her friend Duke)

Emily: Hey Duke.

Duke: Yeah.

Emily: Want to start a hockey team?

Duke: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Emily: Alright.

(Duke and Emily walk away from each other)

Narrator: Within weeks they had created a complete hockey team.

(Cut back to present day)

Emily: Our first game? Gee it was so long ago, I can't even remember, I forget the date and the location.

Narrator: On June 6, 1989, in Jacksonville, Florida, the Mighty Ducks played their first game.

Emily: The rest of team they loved me, they said 'You rock coach' and 'Way to go'.

Winterwing: I couldn't stand her, I told her to "Sit on it an rotate" and "Why don't you go outside and play hide and go f--k your self"... uh can I say that?

Guy off Camera: We'll bleep it out in post.

Narrator: The popularity of the hockey team was unpredictable, they sold out game after game! In 1994 to cash in on the ducks success, a movie about the ducks got a green light from Miramax films.

(Cut to Emily)

Emily: The studio said, we're going to get you the best screenwriter and director out there. I was like cool.

Narrator: Instead they got Jack Christopher.

(Cut to Jack)

Jack: So, like ok, so like what I wanted do right, was like, this mega cool, and ultra hip suburban gritty 1990's reality of like, the ducks, right.

(Cut to Duke and Nosedive driving in a car)

Duke: Do you know what they call a Big Mac in France?

Nosedive: They don't call it a Big Mac?

Duke: No they call it a Royal with Cheese.

(Cut back to Jack)

Jack: So like ok, Duke and Nosedive worked; I could feel this chemistry between them, right, I mean not like a Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan chemistry, right, but, like, more of a, fart to a lighted match type of chemistry, right, I mean it like, just explodes.

(Cut to Winterwing on a movie set and who is a dressed in bondage gear with a leather mask)

Winterwing: So exactly what is the character all about?

(Jack walks up on set)

Jack: So ok, like, your character lives in the trunk of some guys basement, right, and like he is used for deviant hard core gay sex, right.

(Winterwing looks at the mask, then the trunk)

Winterwing: Lets do it.

Jack: Ok everyone, places for the scene!

(Cut to Jack)

Jack: Ok, so like, I knew when I got the bulk of the scenes done we had a pretty good film happening here, right. Like, there were like, a couple technical glitches on the set right, like when we accidentally lost the keys to the trunk Winterwing was in, and since he was suppose to be a silent character, right, he like never spoke a word, so like we forgot about him and all went home.

(Cut to the movie set with the trunk at 2am, everyone has gone home, and a knocking can be heard)

Winterwing (muffled): Guys, hello? Can someone let me out? Hello?

Narrator: The movie was released in Summer 1994, it made over $150 million at the box office. In addition to that the team was doing great, winning game after game, moral was sky high, everyone has great exposure both on an off the ice, then, one day in 1995, it happened... Emily got pregnant.

(Cut to Emily and Wildwing)

Emily: You son of a bitch!

(Emily smacks Wildwing in the face with a shovel, he's knocked out cold)

Emily: That's for what you did to me!

Emily: Geez, just because youíre 21, unmarried and a superstar in the sports field people suddenly think you're the anti-Christ when you're pregnant. I mean I wasn't the first 21 year old to be pregnant. Hell I know some people who were pregnant at 16 and 17; I just got a bum rap because I was a celebrity.

Narrator: The Team was suddenly faced with rather large question..... what to do with the father?

(Cut to backstage of the Mighty Ducks Series, 1995)

Wildwing: You did what with Emily?

Winterwing: Oh good, you finally remembered her name.

Wildwing: Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Winterwing: Um, enlighten me.

Wildwing: How do I know you're not under some sort of mind control she's put on you?

Winterwing: How do I know you're not the Queen of England?

Wildwing: That has nothing to do with this!

Winterwing: Of course not, your majesty.

(Mallory walks by)

Mallory: If you two don't stop bickering we're going to have you both neutered.

Wildwing: You don't have the balls to neuter us.

Mallory: Correction, in five minutes you won't have any balls period.

(Cut back to Emily)

Emily: Wildwing wasn't too happy about this at all, but strangely, he wasn't the one that took out his anger on a useless object. No, it was Mallory; she took it out on Britney Spears.

(Cut to 1995, the Jacksonville Convention Center)

Nosedive, while eyeing a hot dog stand: Hey Mal-Mal, want a chilidog?

Mallory: What kind of an idiot puts a hot dog stand in the middle of a convention center?

(Nosedive runs off to the stand happily, waving his wallet in the air)

Mallory: Okay that answers that question.

(Mallory sits down on a nearby chair, a short blond with very obvious plastic surgery strides up)

Blond: Hello there. You're Mallory from the Mighty Ducks, aren't you?

Mallory: I don't give out autographs anymore.

Blond: That's okay. Is it true that Emily what's-her-French-name is pregnant?

Mallory: Why you little!

(Mallory jumps the blond and the two have an all out catfight, while Nosedive, with his chilidog, and a few curious spectators gather around.)

Mallory: YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF-

Blond: FREAKIN' UGLY DUCK!

(Mallory loses it, pulls out a pin from her hair, and pokes the blonde's chest twice. Two bangs like that from a popped balloon result.)

Nosedive: Oh my god! Mal, you just deflated Britney Spears!

Mallory: Oops.

(Cut to Mallory)

Mallory: How was I supposed to know it was Britney Spears, huh? You've seen one freak; you've seen them all.

Narrator: The resulting lawsuit of their small argument had rather unwanted results.

Mallory: I had to pay $3,000,000 to Spears for new implants and "damages" and $10 to the Jacksonville Convention Center for a new carpet

Narrator: In late 1995, Walt Disney came to the Ducks with a proposal for our own TV Series written by David Wise. Of course, Emily couldn't be in it because it was a children's show and the network didn't want a pregnant duck running around the set. Emily was crushed, and Winterwing decided to drop out too. The plan was after the kid was born that they'd join the show in its second season. Lucky for Disney, the show only had one season.

(Cut to Wildwing)

Wildwing: Emily's pregnancy is one of the greatest horrors anyone's had to face. She had the worst mood swings and put ketchup and whipped cream on all her food. The worst part though, was defiantly when she gave birth. She stopped the whole thing just so she could have her kid. Naturally, there were only five ambulances in Orange County, all at an intersection in Anaheim, so we ended up taking my car.

(Cut to Wildwing's car, a red 1992 Chrysler Le Baron, driving down the highway towards the hospital at high speed. Wildwing's driving, with Nosedive in the passenger seat, and Winterwing and Emily in the back, both looking terrified.)

Winterwing: Can't you go any faster?!

Wildwing: No. We'll get a ticket.

Winterwing: There aren't any police cars around here! They're all at the doughnut shop!

Wildwing: Would you like to drive?

Winterwing: What?

Wildwing: Would you like to drive the car?!

Winterwing: Yes! I would!

Emily: WILL YOU TWO CALM DOWN?!

Wildwing: Ok that's it, out of the car.

Winterwing: What?!

Wildwing: Out of the car. Now.

(Wildwing stops the car, gets out, and drags Winterwing out with him. Nosedive, who had been silent jumps out of the car too)

Nosedive: Hey, what about me? What am I supposed to do.

(Wildwing places Nosedive in front of Emily.)

Wildwing: You, . Handle this.

Nosedive: But, .but, . uh, ..hi Em.

(Wildwing walks away from the car, grabs Winterwing by the collar, and drags them off. Nosedive looks up horrified)

Nosedive: uh, . Wing? Wing, .. Something defiantly peeking here I, .eeeeeew. Oh god, ..

(Nosedive looks over to Wildwing and Winterwing, who just continue fighting. A tentacle reaches out of the car and grabs Nosedive by the waist.)

Nosedive: WILDWING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(The tentacle shakes Nosedive around, then starts slamming him on top of the car.)

Nosedive: WILDWING!!!! WING!!!

(Wildwing and Winterwing look over)

Wildwing: You're doing great ace.

Nosedive: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Nosedive is pulled into the car, then thrown out the other side with a little duckling on his arms. Winterwing and Wildwing run over.)

Nosedive: Hey, actually, this thing's kinda cute.

(The duckling spits up in Nosedive's face.)

Nosedive: Ew, ..oh, .

Narrator: After the Might Ducks series was cancelled in 1996. The producer of the series noticed Duke always got along well with Children who did guest starting roles on the show. So he asked Duke if he wanted his very own show on PBS geared towards kids. Duke said yes.

(Cut to a clip from the show. Light sounding piano music plays, as a scene of a neighborhood that looks like it a constructed out of a model is show. A small red trolley zooms by, the text "Mr. L'Orange's Neighborhood" appears on screen. The camera zooms in a on a small yellow house. Dissolve to Duke sitting on a couch)

Duke: Hello boys and girls, welcome to my neighborhood, can you say neighborhood, boys and girls?

(Just then a dinging noise is heard)

Duke: Oh I think I hear our friend trolley.

(The trolley comes out of a tunnel, Jake, who is now one year old rides out on it, suspenseful music plays)

Jake: Actually it's your mortal enemy, Jake.

Duke: What the,

Jake: Oh I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make believe today, Mr. L'Orange, I dare say you'll find it's quite in ruin.

Duke: What?

(Duke pops his head thru the tunnel and into the neighborhood of make believe, he sees a place of utter ruin. The castle is destroyed, X the Owl wings are broken, the museum go round is spinning, just then limp body of Lady Elane Fairchild spins around with it. Henrietta Pussycat runs by, on fire)

Henrietta Pussycat: Meow meow meow, skin graft, meow meow meow.

(Duke pulls his head out of the tunnel)

Duke: Oh my god.

Jake: That's right all dead, and now Mr. L'Orange, Duke, may as well drop the bloody formalities as I'm going to kill you anyway.

Duke: No please don't.

Jake: How ironic, Duke, it almost rhymes with, DIE!

Narrator: While Duke was severely injured, he didn't die.

(Cut to Jake)

Jake: Yes, I'm kicking my self because of that, I theorize the ray gun was low on power due to my previous romp thru the neighborhood of make believe for that.

Narrator: The incident was a black eye for the team, it drove the morality of the team to an all new low, but that was the least of the teams problems.

(Cut to Wildwing)

Wildwing: Winterwing and I never ever got along. He's like a little kid, blaming it on everyone else. I tried to be nice. It's always been his fault! But after the whole McMallard vs. Spears thing blew over and I suddenly found myself short $3,000,010 for some odd reason, Winterwing started snapping at anyone who couldn't fire him.

(Cut to the Mighty Ducks locker room, later in 1997)

Winterwing: You never carry your weight around here and I for one am tired of it!

Tanya: You're only saying that because I got a $2,000,000 signing bonus!

Emily: Enough you two! Damn it, I need some vitamin C.

(Cut to a local Walgreen's in 1997)

Emily: Come on man, you can't cut off my vitamin C tablets, there what keeps me going.

Clerk: Listen, if you didn't come in here twice a day and buy five bottles of this stuff we wouldn't have a problem.

Emily: Ok fine, I don't need to take this, I'm leaving.

(Emily turns around a begins to walk away, suddenly she turns around again, runs back up to the counter, and grabs the clerk by the collar)

Emily: Goddamn it sell me those vitamin C tablets!

Narrator: Emily had developed an addiction to vitamin C tablets.

(Cut to Emily)

Emily: Ok so maybe I had a small addiction to vitamin C, so I was forced to go some support groups.

(Cut to a support group)

Emily: Hi I'm Emily.

Everyone in the Room: Hi Emily.

Councillor: So what is your addiction.

Emily: I don't have an addiction, I was forced to come here.

Councillor: Well no one comes here unless they have an addiction. So what is your problem?

Emily: Well, people say I have an addiction to Vitamin C.

Group Member: Oh so you're that person, who ransacked the produced department at Winn-Dixe, in an effort to try to grab as many oranges as you could.

Emily: Oh like you never did that either.

Councillor: You know what I think, Emily needs a group hug.

Emily: Uh no really, gee thanks.

Councillor: Come everyone, group hug.

(15 people get up from there chairs walk over to Emily and hug her all at once, cut back to present day)

Emily: However that is now over and I have it totally out of my system now.

(Emily picks up a glass of Orange Juice and begins to drink it)

Guy off Camera: The camera is still on.

(Emily spits out the juice and throws the glass across the room)

Emily: See, totally worked out of my system.

Narrator: But Emily's addiction to vitamin C was the least of their problems.

(Cut to Grin)

Grin: Has anyone seen Duke?

(Cut to the top of a very large waterfall. Duke's standing on the edge with the two Thugs and the Boss advancing on him with handguns.)

Duke: Look, you must have made a mistake.

Boss: How many giant gray alien ducks are there on this planet?

Duke: Uh, .

Boss: There's a large bundle of money on your head, Mr. L'Orange, and between you and me, my amateur Mafia is in a great deal of debt. Now, would you like to go voluntarily or kicking and screaming?

Duke: Oh, kicking and screaming please.

Boss: All right. Boys, advance on him once more.

(Duke backs away, falling right over the edge of the waterfall. The two Thugs run to the edge and watch Duke fall)

Thug #1: Oh no, he fell over the edge!

Thug #2: Oh good, he grabbed onto that tree branch.

Thug #1: Oh no, the branch is breaking!

Thug #2: Oh good, maybe those sharp pointy rocks will stop him.

Thug #1: Oh no, the sharp pointy rocks are just breaking his arms and legs!

Thug #2: Oh good, those beavers will save him.

Thug #1: Oh no, the beavers are biting him, and stealing his pants!

Thug #2: Oh good, the current slowed down so he can swim to safety.

Thug #1: Oh no, the current sped up, he'll be sucked into the power plant's turbines and crushed!

Thug #2: The power plant has turbines?

(Cut back to the Mighty Ducks locker room)

Emily: Ah, he's probably just a little late.

Narrator: In 1997 American Records, offered Nosedive an Album deal. This is what they got.

Nosedive: "I'm the real Nosedive. Yes I'm the real Nosedive. All you other Nosedives are just imitating. So won't the real Nosedive, please stand up. Please stand up."

Narrator: The song released in June 1997, debuted at number one on the charts, and remained there twelve weeks straight.

(Cut to Emily)

Emily: I thought the song sucked.

(Cut to Duke)

Duke: The song sucked man.

(Cut to Winterwing)

Winterwing: The song sucks man.

Narrator: Believe it or not, the teamís hatred of the song, seem to in effect reunite the team and raise the moral of it. In 1998, the Team had settled most of their disputes, and the main problem they had on their hands was raising Jake, who'd just turned 3.

(Cut to an average home. Emily's sitting on the couch, half asleep, with piles of folded laundry all around her. Winterwing walks in the front door. Jake runs up to him and hugs his leg.)

Winterwing: Honey I'm home!

Emily: Oh wonderful, now I can take a break from the housework and slave over your dinner that no doubt you'll complain about.

(Emily stands up and stomps into the kitchen)

Winterwing: I love you too. Hey there Jakeo.

Jake: Winterwing!

Winterwing: Now son, I told you before. Call me `Daddy'.

Jake: Winterwing.

Winterwing: Daddy.

Jake: Winterwing.

(There's a slight pause.)

Winterwing: Why you little, .

(Winterwing puts his hands around Jake's neck)

Jake: Acccccccc-ccccc-ccck!

(Emily runs in and hits Winterwing with a broom, cut to Emily)

Emily: I can't believe those two. All I ever wanted was for them to get along. Do you have any idea how hard Winterwing's head is? I've needed to buy three brooms in the last month! I-

(Emily looks at a guy off camera on his lunch break)

Emily: Is that an orange?

Guy off Camera: Uh,

Camera guy: Damn Chris run, before she gets violent.

(Chris runs away)

Narrator: Today, the team is back on track. It is as if the team went full circle back to the point that is was at in 1989 when they first started.

(On screen text appears "Next Week")

Narrator: Next, week the story of what the hell went wrong with the script of the 1999 film Mystery, Alaska. That's next week on Behind the Puck.


The End
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